Gerry Canavan

the smartest kid on earth

How the University Makes Decisions

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At McSweeney’s.

At this point, a few of us threw out the idea that we all just do without the Copy Center for a few weeks. The place is empty half the time anyway, and if somebody really needed some copies, would it kill them to walk to Kinko’s? And what about all that talk about “going paperless” a couple years back? The proposal was considered, but ultimately failed to make it out of the appropriate sub-committee.So that put us back with this PCSGFE Report. Addressing those recommendations touched off another round of decisive actions, followed by quick concessions and petty in-fighting. At this point, it would probably be easier just to list the changes.

As of the start of this semester:

* English is no longer a Major
* The Field Hockey Season has been cancelled
* The school’s mascot is now “The Violet Hurricanes”
* Jefferson Hall is now The Bank of America Fun Zone!
* The Botany Department now recognizes the Armenian Genocide
* All Twitter hashtags must be approved
* “African American” is no longer to be hyphenated
* Tuesday is now Taco Night

In closing, a few more small odds and ends: Parking Lot C is now Parking Lot D and all collective bargaining rights have been rescinded.

We wish you all a pleasant start to the semester!

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